Frientimacy: The 3 Requirements of All Healthy Friendships | Shasta Nelson | TEDxLaSierraUniversity

Our world is getting “better” at connecting us and yet we’re reporting feeling more disconnected than ever. The issue: loneliness. The solution: understanding the 3 actions that lead to belonging. Shasta Nelson is passionate about all things friendship. As founder and CEO of— the female-friendship learning community—she speaks and writes regularly on this important topic.

She is the author of two books: Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girl- Friends and Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. Her spirited and soulful voice can also be read at Shasta’s Friendship Blog and in her relationship health column in The Huffington Post.

She’s been interviewed on the Today show, Katie Couric’s show Katie, The Early Show, and on Fox Extra. She’s been consulted on friendship matters by writers and reporters from such magazines as Cosmopolitan, More, Real Simple, Redbook, and Good Housekeeping, and from such newspapers as The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and the San Francisco Chronicle. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

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The biggest obstacle I ve encountered was people are too egocentric and having difficulties to accept criticism, but very often they don't even work on intimacy relationship with their love partner, so I guess this is a reflection of how much effort they usually work on any kind of relationship


How do you know when to drop someone my subs will ask me? It is very simple with me and I had to downsize a few friends even though we had been friends for over twenty years–because people change with time. Sometimes it is you who changes for the better. And people you are around may not grow with time and you simply lose commonality with them. I'm not talking about finances–I'm talking about growth. Years ago I was a toxic person. And so were people I was around. I changed and they didn't and a few years later I realized I actually dreaded going to see them and was relieved when I left—and that is your sure sign you need to drop someone. And it is hard as people do have feelings even toxic people. But as Jim Rohn once said–"you are the sum of the qualities of the five people you are with the most." Gaining excellence requires you surround yourself with such.—Hope that helps–Charles

J Birdsong

Wow. This is from 2017. Look at how things must be now (June 2021) after: 1) the pandemic lock down, 2 the pervasive use of 'fake' screen based communication, 3) loss of work related onsite interactions, or early retirement. Can't even try doing any of this.

Hana Gashaw

Thank you Shasta this is such an insightful and fun time ❤

more unhealthy than smoking 15 cigs a day… i get what youre saying but lets calm down here lol


I trust my journal works better. People are a letdown. Work and public superficiality is ok.

alost qt

im not even 2 mins in & this video is hitting my inner wounds pretty hard

This was one of the best Tedx Talks I've ever come across. And how she tied in the personal micro scale to the global macro scale. Loneliness and inability to connect effectively is literally killing us and sewing distrust and anger into everyone all over the place. Incredible.


Ver nice talk. I could relate to this very well. I a on both the sides of the fence. Thank you dear Shasta.

I want to be vulnerable with my best friend but i can't trust her. She constantly tells white lies and thinks I don't realise, and she tries to guilt trip me every time we have an argument about even the smallest things.

pj delaroca

Online school brought me here like if you are same with me

pj delaroca

Online school brought me here like if you are same with me

Hope Todorova

Relationships are also created with reciprocity, genuine care and helping us when we most need it. Not to rescue and fix our lives but to hear us, comfort us and support us in our growth but above all we must become our own best friend and lookout for our highest good and then we can do the same for others. The quality of people in our lives is more important than the quantity. Having one good friend is worth more than gold.



As a survivor of narcissistic abuse this is quality info for seeking new friendships. Thank you 💕

Kade O'Dell

I have to watch this for school…. pogger moments HAH LOL

anjan mandara

I can relate to the triangle with most of my friends however there is this one friend who uses me as a literal THERAPIST! He always wants me to help him with his problems but the moment it comes to mine it doesn’t matter and I’m a “bad” friend and “mean”. Tbh he can be a bit of a snob sometimes but I have known him for a really long time and he is a part of my friendship group so it is hard to distance myself from him and part of me doesn’t want to because he is still sort of my friend… What should I do???

Malak Albodour

I really don’t know what to do! My friends were making plans in front of me and they didn’t even invite me. And unfortunately, that has happened more than once. I just asked one of them why she didn’t invite me and she got mad at me. Can someone give me suggestions on what to do? This always happens to me and I really want to keep my friendship with them since I have known most of them for a long time.

gamer Guy

14:10 see, as true as this is, real friends just wouldnt skip over someone, intentional or not. It takes a lot of not paying attention to just forget something like that. In a way this is victim blaming and lets your friends off the hook, you are the one who needs to change, they have no need for self reflection, its funny how that is always how it ends up working out

I have started to distance myself because I realize my friend is always judging me for my choices. It really hit me that she has never been happy for me. I'm at the point where I stopped sharing things with her, but of course now she gets upset bc I haven't told her. I just need to let go completely.

Barbecued Sims Baby

TIL, im not a bad friend, I lose friends because they dont keep up with these and are behind the comfort zone of a fake persona; they are scared of getting hurt, by people exactly like them.

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